


Spam, the (not so) Fairy Tale

by Elisabeth Hurst (Leela)



Category: Forever Knight
Genre: F/M, Vampires, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 21:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leela/pseuds/Elisabeth%20Hurst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At about 10:00 p.m. last night, as our neighbours played their music so loud that I could clearly make out every single word in the song (it was Streets of Philadelphia for the curious among you), and I gave up my futile attempt at going to sleep early, a strange tale twisted its way out of my subconscious.  At first, my Immortal Beloved soul rose up in horror as the narrative unfolded, but it would not be written any other way.</p><p>So, gather around my children of the [k]night and listen to the story of....... Spam, the (not so) fairy tale</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spam, the (not so) Fairy Tale

**Author's Note:**

> Written and originally published in 1996. This may be one of those 'you had to be there' stories. It was written in response to the push to get FK fen to support and purchase the goods sold by the advertisers of Forever Knight at a time when we were trying to resurrect the series. The advertiser in question will be clear if you read the story.

Once upon a time in a land of ice and snow, there lived a vampire named Nicholas. He was not the usual, mean, nasty type of vampire who drains the blood of innocent mortals and discards the soul-less husks like so much garbage. No, Nicholas was sorrowful and guilt-ridden, quenching his thirst with the cold, dead blood of animals, and longing to return to the mortality that he had so thoughtlessly cast aside many centuries ago.

In the same city, there lived a beauteous young coroner named Natalie. Natalie loved the vampire Nicholas, and he cared for her in return. Unfortunately, their love was doomed, so long as Natalie remained mortal and Nicholas a vampire. So, Natalie vowed to find the cure that would grant Nicholas his heart's desire: mortality.

Natalie toiled tirelessly, year after year, trying and discarding a hundred, nay a thousand potions and lotions. None of which worked. Nicholas remained a vampire, and slowly but surely succumbed to despair, even reverting to the vampire life that he thought he despised.

One dark winter's night, as the city was gripped by the deepest, coldest freeze in a hundred years, Natalie and Nicholas huddled in his loft, mourning the failure of their latest "cure". Gently and carefully, they held each other, seeking reassurance in their embrace that somehow a miracle would happen, and they would find a cure.

Suddenly, a strange bright light appeared in the kitchen. A cupboard door slowly opened and revealed....a single can of Spam. The light haloed the can, making the metal shine and the label scintillate. As Natalie and Nicholas stared open-mouthed at the Spam, a ravishing creature descended from above, her dark eyes flashing, sharp white teeth gleaming.

"Behold my children, the cure you have sought for so long." The glorious apparition smiled, "All you need do, fair Nicholas, is consume two cans of this marvellous meat substance each day, and after a year you shall become mortal once again. But, beware, should you ever stop eating two cans of Spam each and every day, you will immediately return to the vampire state."

And then, with a wave of her hand, and a kiss blown through the air at Nicholas, the dazzling being disappeared.

Awe-struck, Natalie and Nicholas approached the can.

"I must run some tests," declared Natalie.

"Nay," countered Nicholas. "We must have faith in our guardian angel. I will brave the bitter cold this night, and go to the store to purchase more of this miracle named Spam."

And so, each morning and night for the rest of his life, Nicholas choked down an entire can of Spam. On the first anniversary of the miraculous appearance, Natalie ran her tests and discovered that Nicholas was human once again. In a wild celebration, they ran into the sunlight and got married that day.

That very same day, the beautiful apparition (whose name was Janette) gathered in a great mansion with her uncle Lucien, and her new brother/lover Jerry. Gleefully, Janette, Lucien and Jerry opened the envelopes that contained their dividend cheques from a company named Hormel, raising glasses of blood and wine to Nicholas and Natalie and the meat substance named Spam.

And the moral of the story, my children, is that each and every one of you can obtain your heart's desire. All it takes is faith.

_snicker_


End file.
